A year ago (Holy crap, it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long) Paul Miller left the internet, The Verge paid him to write about his offline life experience after having his life be so entrenched in the tech world. Yes, I realize I’m blogging about a blogger who blogged–sue me. He came back to the internet on the 1st. Within the article there was a video documentary sort of interview thing. That’s where I got this quote from him:
I’m kind of depressive, for me that means that just sometimes it kind of hurts to be alive, it’s just like-it’s just AH, you know, it sucks that you gotta kind of do each day and keep doing the next day and, it’s just, moments hurt sequentially and when I’m bombarded, you know, with information and stimulation and I can always fill that need every time. I feel like I’m getting bored and I’m not happy so I can go and do something really quickly to kind of fill that need. I think I can confuse the issue and confuse the subject and kind of not quite understand the way I was feeling was deeper than just ‘I’m bored right now.’ It had something to do with ‘I’m deeply stressed that life goes on.’
It was something that absolutely rang true when I was watching the video that I had to transcribe it and put it somewhere safe. I don’t know that my blog is a safe place but I needed to share it.
I also teared up when his niece thought he just didn’t want to Skype with her for a year. So sad how kids take things so personally but generally never talk about it.
This post is rant-y, angry, and purely to vent my rage at my body. Feel free to ignore it if you’re not into reading it accordingly. I’d remind you that this has never really been a gaming-exclusive blog, but that’s pretty obvious already.
I have meinere’s disease. I had never heard of this previously and to my recollection, I didn’t know anyone who had it. I’ve seen a figure that over the course of your life you have a .05% chance of getting it. Pretty rare compared to things like cancer or infections. Doesn’t mean it’s any less debilitating for you and your family. After the last GW2BWE I was exhausted. I hadn’t marathon’d with both kids at all. Monday I was slowly getting them back into the rhythm and we recorded Guild Wars Reporter. I was already feeling not great and you could hear it in my terse responses and attitude. Tuesday was better. While cooking dinner I was lightheaded and shaking with what I thought was just hunger. I realized after dinner that I hadn’t had any coffee and just attributed the whole thing to caffeine withdrawal. The next day I was puking up everything and could barely walk. A local clinic said it was gastroenteritis and it’ll pass in a few days. Keep hydrated, blah blah.
Tomorrow that will be two weeks ago.
I’ve been to the ER since then, lost at least 15 pounds, and been out of bed maybe once a day.
My daughter innocently tried to murder me while I was sipping from a water bottle. The adrenaline and energy used to get the water out of my lungs left me practically catatonic for nearly an hour. Not a good thing when you’re home alone, with small children, and unable to walk without assistance. Thankfully one of Ben’s cousins is staying in the spare bedroom and will be watching the kids for the next two weeks. I’m depressed, bored, lonely and miserable. I miss my children when they’re out of eyesight. I want with every fiber to get up and go be with them. I’m slowly adapting to our new normal. I’m so proud of Ben for taking the abuse and keeping it together when we’re both scared out of our minds. I’m angry and stuck in a broken body thanks to my ear.
Did not see this coming.
My brother had a similar thing happen and it only took 6 months for him to get better. Missing 6 months with my children? I think I will actually go insane.
Here’s to hoping I’ll be better soon.
Also, this was all typed on my phone and I don’t really have a way to proofread it. Sorry.