Drinking the Sugar Free, Low Carb Koolaid

I’m going to be talking about dieting, probably a lot because I still miss cake and ice cream a lot. Oh and soda. And fruit juice…. a lot. I’d typically drink a glass or two before the show just to lubricate me enough to be relaxed and funny. You can definitely hear a difference on this week’s show (you can also hear me chugging water a few times). Back to what I was saying before I was derailed by wine. If you don’t like the idea of high fat, medium protein, low carb diets then just leave. Haters gonna hate but I won’t tolerate! (Is that a thing, did I just copy that? Eh, it’s kinda close to that brony saying, oh well I still like MLP:FiM)

So we started a ketogenic diet on Tuesday (6/24). The first day we were like “fuck, bread.” The second day we were sleepy. The third day we were anxious. Today, we’re bored.

I’ll break it down a little bit. Right now we’re eating 72% of our calories from fat. Not fake fat. Real, pure fats.

source: http://lentilbreakdown.blogspot.com/ who completely understands my love of butter

source: http://lentilbreakdown.blogspot.com/ who completely understands my love of butter

Awww yisssssss. Butter. Basically fats and carbohydrates are proportional. You gotta eat. You lower your carbs, you’ve got to eat more fats to feel full. The difference is when I eat fats my head is in less of a fog. Carbohydrates make my sleepy. I love that full, half-coma semi-high feeling; I really do. But feeling like I can finally think and being less stressed about life in general because I’m not running myself to the edge of the cliff is way better.

I killed myself for 2 weeks on a 1400 calorie diet recently. I cheated for 1 day and gained 3 lbs. I day of cheating made me gain back everything I had lost after 2 measured, depression inducing weeks. I’d pretty much resigned myself to just being fat. Fuck it. It’s not worth it and if I feel healthy, that’s going to have to be good enough. Thing is, I didn’t feel healthy. Yes, I could still play with the kids, walk, and function. But I wasn’t really happy about how big I was or how tired I was all the time.

My friends had been on keto, I didn’t really see a big change. Then his brother showed up, we hadn’t seen him for a few months and he had been on keto as well. Yikes. Lots of weight loss. And he wasn’t exactly suffering in the food department. Alright, fuck it. Let’s research.

So I did. A lot. I didn’t really understand what it was really saying. I’ll attribute that to the fact that I have little to no medical background and hardly any chemistry left from high school. But I had seen results. I read reddit, I read atkins forums, I read anything and everything even tweets from people who hadn’t even been on the diet but had heard great things. I finally found a few meal plans that seemed right and that’s what we went on. I spent a metric crapton of money on groceries (more than I usually do for a whole month) mainly because carbs are cheap. They’re subsidized by the government for Christ’s sake. Of course I knew there was going to be an initial investment for sweeteners and fats and stuff like that, that was to be expected but I really didn’t think they’d be so much more expensive than the other stuff.

You can spend $14.95 on Amazon to get 48 oz of Crisco All Vegetable Shortening. You could also spend $29.76 to get the same amount of Coconut Oil (I did the per ounce price because the nearest size was 54oz). That’s just the oil!

We’ve eaten a lot of food. There have been a few moments when we were hungry. So we ate pepperoni. It’s 0 carbs, it’s chewy and flavorful. We were still wanting all the stuff that’s still in the house for the kids but we haven’t slipped up just yet. Except for when Ben stuffed a hard candy in his mouth without thinking and then spit it out. I’m going to say that was like 2g of carbs 😛

The vertigo has been bad in the mornings, but I’m blaming that on the coffee with heavy whipping cream and all the extra salt. Caffeine has always been a trigger for me. The vertigo wasn’t too bad for the past few months because I’d been drinking tea pretty exclusively.

I miss you little guy. You're still my best friend!

I miss you little guy. You’re still my best friend! (Ignore the dirty dishes, it’s an old picture)

I may end switching out to tea once I can find out if the tea I like has carbs (because there is fruit in it, but I’m not eating it).

In the meanwhile, I’m losing inches. Without losing a whole lot of pounds at the moment, Aunt Irma is in town so it’s be expected. I’ve lots 2 inches on my waist, 4 on my underbust, 1 on my hips and 1.5 on my neck. I’m definitely fitting into older clothes better, though I’m still not down by a dress size. We’re not sleepy during the day and we’re getting more quality rest. This is awesome.

P.S. I have a near gallon of fresh fruit sangria in my fridge that is REALLY mad at me. Seeking a good home? It’s been soaking since last Saturday.